It Sucks Being a Grown-Up

I haven’t done a normal blah-de-dah rambling post in ages. In fact, it’s been so long that I think I deleted most of my original blah-de-dah rambling posts ages ago. But more to the point, I need to vent and I don’t really care if no one really reads this, actually, I think that’s why I’m putting it here instead of tumblr, because no one will see it. Also, I don’t like complaining too much on tumblr. I just feel like I’m whining and no one cares. Here I can whine and no one cares because no one is seeing it…….this is getting weird and pointless.

Anyways, I got a sort of promotion at work. Basically, the woman who was in my now position left so she could go help open up a new elementary school. So, seeing an opportunity, I went to my boss, moths desperately trying to get out of my stomach, and told her that I was interested in taking the job. My boss was hesitant at first, since she knows about my anxiety, but she let me sit in and shadow this woman for a week before making a decision. I loved it! It’s data entry, so it’s all excel and sorting info, things that my obsessive brain does in it’s free time. Plus, this woman gave a glowing review of my shadowing and told my boss that I would be perfect at the job. So, I got it. I’m no longer in medical records, stuck on the phone sitting on hold for hours just to speak/argue with an impatient receptionist/nurse/fellow medical records librarian. Now I’m in my own office in front of a computer all day long, blasting music, and sorting papers and data. I know it sounds boring, but like I said, I do these things without being paid, so what can I say.

And I do love it. I do. But the thing is, it’s not what I want to do with my life.

I’m starting back at school in the fall and I’m nervous. Nervous that I won’t be able to handle working and going to school. Nervous that I won’t be able to work enough hours to pay the rent and the bills. I’m nervous that I’m going to give up on a dream just so I can keep this independence. I’ve fallen into the trap I was terrified of landing into. I keep telling myself that everything is going to work out, and now I can say it with a confidence that I couldn’t two years ago, but sometimes I wonder how much longer that will last. It might just be that it’s the end of the month, but I’m already feeling stressed. I have loads of progress notes to enter at work, I keep finding screw ups in the system that can only be fixed by hand, I keep getting piles of grids and service assignments that are more important than the notes, but if I don’t get the notes in then we can’t follow up on what’s missing, and the week is nearly up. I’ve been stress eating like crazy and haven’t been doing the shots, not to mention I haven’t exercised since I started this new job and I don’t even want to know how much weight I’ve gained. And this is without school work added on.

But it’ll get easier, right? This is my first end of the month by myself. It’s normal to be behind. Right?

I can’t give up on school or I’ll never forgive myself. But I’m afraid to move back in with my parents. I’ve never felt so………I can’t think of a word. Free doesn’t even begin to cover it. It’s an odd sort of release. I feel like I can accomplish anything now. Which is weird since there was nothing stopping me before. But now I don’t have the noise and the activity and the rushing about to distract me. I can turn off the outside world and breathe. But I have yet to take advantage of it.

Ah, finally I get to my point. I miss being creative like I was before working. Before being a grown-up. I miss taking pictures. I miss editing the pictures. I miss going out with Nich and writing until all the shops had closed. I miss just being able to sit and brain storm without worrying about what time I need to get to bed in order to get to work on time in the morning (Speaking of which…yikes). I just miss having the time to take advantage of not having to be somewhere and respond to anything.

But the truth is, I am still capable of doing all these things. It’s just a mind-over-matter thing. I need to stop worrying and just start doing. Things always seem to work out better when I do.

- Rae

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